Journeying inward to find happiness
There’s nothing like a cancer diagnosis to make you completely question your life, your reality, and your purpose. It proved to be the start of a transformative journey inward. From despair and despondence to manifesting the life of my dreams on my terms, I had no idea the depths this journey would take me or the happiness that awaited. Living with an incurable cancer has been a blessing and has allowed space to manifest from a place of alignment with my soul. Living with an incurable cancer was the ticket to manifesting the life of my dreams–one filled with immense happiness.
I am better off today than I was before cancer. Cancer has had a profound impact, and my life is fuller because of it. That’s not say I am happy that I have cancer. There is no time for self-pity (ok, maybe a little), and I saw the diagnosis as a catalyst for transformation and an opportunity for spiritual growth.
After one misdiagnosis and two years’ of doctors’ visits and treatments (not to mention losing my sanity), I was finally diagnosed with a rare and incurable form of leukemia. At the time, my son was a little over 2 years old and my daughter was 8 months old. Where was I? How did I get here? Was I proud? Was I fulfilled? Truth be told, it felt like I had wasted 37 years procrastinating–always waiting to become the person I wanted.
I had been able to manifest the goals I had set for myself–you know, the generic ones. At 37, I was a lawyer who had cultivated a successful legal career over 10 years. At 34, I had married a great guy and we welcomed our first child less than a year later, followed by our second only 19 months later. Education. career. marriage. family. The markers of a life moving forward.
Throughout life, I had chased happiness on the outside, one goal at a time, all the while hoping it would give me access to the happiness on the inside. I had everything I had set out to accomplish and yet, I imagined that it would feel different—that I would automatically be happy. I wasn’t. It’s not to say I was unhappy with my life–I was unhappy with myself.
I had no idea how to balance everything so that there was a natural flow rather than having to focus on one area at a time. In the thick of postpartum, I lost not only what felt like my identity, but my calling and life purpose. It didn’t take long to realize I never really had a grasp on either.
To make matters worse, I didn’t know what would make me happy. I had never thought about what would feel good and evoke feelings of joy, gratitude, and happiness by way of a life path. I didn’t understand my purpose.
There are no idle thoughts
The experiences of childhood had churned out an angry and reactive adult. I was holding on to a lot of resentments and liked it that way—or thought I did.
Through a lot of reflection and work, I noticed a pattern in the negative experiences. Me. It was me. I was the problem. Though I was always able to pull through the negative experience, but always left a bit more damaged and feeling sorry for myself. I had a victim mentality and with the gift of hindsight, could see that my negative mindset had affected my reality.
If I didn’t change my mindset, I would continue to attract the negative into my life. There are no idle thoughts and negative thoughts such as self-loathing, fear, doubt, or limiting beliefs will alter your perception of reality. How can it not when you are looking at life through the negative lens? You will either only see the negative, or there will be an emphasis on the negative. This negative mindset is why some of us will attract the same negative experiences over and over though we can’t seem to understand why.
Once I was determined to change from the inside, the voice in my head (the one that is always in the background, observing, and narrating) became more clear. Almost like it knew it was time to step out of the shadows. I started to listen to that voice and have let it guide me toward the happiness I sought.
I had no idea the depths this journey would take me and the transformation that awaited.
The biggest obstacle to growth and happiness
The biggest obstacle to my growth was myself. Our mindset can either set us up for success or for failure.
I am a master procrastinator. I hate this trait and have spent a considerable amount listening to books on how to overcome procrastination.
Even while procrastinating, I think of how much I hate that I can’t stop myself. It’s not a laziness issue—no one who knows me would ever call me lazy. I have also learned that I don’t like to start a task that requires mental effort because focusing on something doesn’t come easily. I can hyperfocus when needed but it takes a lot of effort to get into that state. Not only do I lose focus easily, but the frustration and irritability that accompanied same was disproportionate. I also know that I am fully capable of the task that I am putting off, which makes it all the more confusing as to why I would avoid find it so difficult to get into the focus stage. The biggest obstacle to my happiness was myself and on some level it is something I have always known.
I didn’t know that this was the way my brain works and that there are tools to help with executive functions. Diagnosed with ADHD at 38, it was clear why every action felt like a Herculean task.
I had put off becoming the person I wanted for too long and I had no idea where to start. I did it though. Just one step. And something extraordinary happened. It led to another step–only this time, it didn’t feel like such a Herculean task–it felt like I was on to something. More actions followed with more results. That first step built the momentum I needed. The Universe gave me encouragement by providing results, opportunities and synchronicities.
Manifesting through working backward
In starting to change my mindset, I started seeing changes in my reality almost immediately. I also tapped into a feeling of accomplishment I hadn’t experienced before. One of self-growth and it proved to be the precipice to happiness. Before I knew it, I found myself in the best shape of my life physically, my mental health was the most optimal it had been since having children, and I had resigned from a 10 plus year legal career to further focus on my healing and recovery. I was finally able to access that happiness I craved–the one that comes from the inside.
I knew I wanted to build myself from scratch with a set of new beliefs. To do so, I had to think about what it was I wanted and work backwards with how to get there.
In making a list of attributes I wanted, I realized that the attributes were all things on my “I’ll do that at some point” list, which is a list of things that are on my to do list—just not for today or the foreseeable future–just “at some point.” What’s worse is that most had been there for over a decade. Alas, I had procrastinated.
At the very top of my the list was meditation. It was one of the ones that had been there for over a decade.
For longer than I would like to admit, I read guided meditations without ever actually doing the meditation. I had told myself time and time again that by merely reading the meditations, I could imagine what it felt like and that I didn’t actually need to sit down to meditate. I didn’t believe I had the time to meditate. Somewhere, deep inside, there was also fear. A fear of not being able to meditate. A fear of putting in effort only to come short.
Before my diagnosis and inner study, I understood the concepts of living in the present, positive thinking and the law of attraction. I knew, through experience, that we are capable of creating the life of our dreams. I played with the law of attraction and manifested events, opportunities, and material possessions. The only hiccup was that I never embodied the lifestyle—the very essence and theme of the things on my “I’ll do that at some point” list. I understood it and believed it but still hadn’t managed to get around to the lifestyle because of my limiting beliefs. I was completely blind
This is why my first action step was to sign up for a meditation class. My first takeaway was how different it is to read some guided meditations and imagine my mind and body relaxing as opposed to actually meditating. One is like reading a guidebook on Paris with lots of pictures and great information whereas the other is actually going to Paris and exploring the city with all your senses—the sights, smells, sounds, textures, and best of all, the feelings the city evokes.
Meditation allowed space between me and my thoughts. In that space, I was able to start paying attention to my thoughts. The negative self-talk moved me to tears one particular evening. I couldn’t believe I had been talking to myself that way without even realizing. I remember thinking “How am I ever going to reverse this?” But in that same moment, I heard the answer “You’re already reversing it.”
Meditation to allow space from negative thoughts and limiting beliefs
I was terrified of needles in a ridiculously annoying way. Upon hearing the words bone marrow biopsy, chemotherapy, PICC line, infusions, I knew meditation would help me get me past my fear.
I googled meditation and came across Transcendental Meditation. I quickly signed up for the one on one instruction. It was a game changer. I left the first instruction with hope for not only my treatment but for my future. I still practice TM, as it is referred to, though I have added a variety of meditative practices to my routine.
The benefits of meditation are countless and are scientifically backed. If you’re not meditating, you are doing yourself a disservice.
Meditation allowed me to tune into my thoughts and not let them go wild. It’s not to say the thoughts have disappeared. They just aren’t that often and I don’t let them spiral and take a life of their own.
Most recently, I underwent an eye procedure which required a lidocaine injection on the underside of my eyelid. By this time, my fear was no longer ridiculous—it had dissipated. I started meditating and when the doctor flipped my eyelid inside out and injected me with lidocaine, I heard a whispered, “Wow.” When he did the same to the second eye, and again I didn’t move, he told me, “This is impressive. You didn’t even flinch. I haven’t seen that!”
Manifesting happiness through embodiment
When it comes to manifesting the life you desire, having the right mindset is at the heart. You can manifest material objects, events, opportunities, or even cancelled trials in some cases, but when used only as a tool, it will only take you so far. But, if it’s abundance you desire, then one must embody said manifestations. When embodied as a lifestyle is when it starts feeling like magic.
- Limiting Beliefs. You must believe that you are capable of achieving your goals and that you deserve to have the life you dream. This means letting go of limiting beliefs and negative self-talk that may be holding you back. If you are someone who doesn’t know what their limiting beliefs are, then you are like me. Meditation is a surefire way to give you space from your thoughts so that you can actually observe said limiting beliefs. Approach this with curiosity and not judgment.
- Set an Intention. The next step is to focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want. I stress what YOU want—not what your mom, best friend, or frenemy would want. Only YOU know what you want. You absolutely do not want to do all the work only to realize it wasn’t your dream that you manifested, but someone else’s entirely. To help, I like to remember I am feeding my soul, and not my protective personality/ego.
- Visualize. Visualize yourself already living the life you desire. It’s important to feel the emotions associated with achieving your goals, such as joy, gratitude, and excitement. Visualize yourself in the future at the moment when you know your manifestation has materialized. Get specific and have fun! Dream big and in detail. How are you dressed? What are you eating? How active are you? What is your perfume? What are you thinking? How do you greet someone? How do you structure your day? How is your house—not in terms of the actual house, but how is your space maintained?
- Take Action. Another important aspect of manifesting is taking inspired action. This means taking steps towards your goals that feel aligned with your intentions and bring you closer to your desired outcome. It’s important to trust your intuition and take action from a place of inspired motivation, rather than forcing yourself to take action out of fear or obligation. Take an action step from #3. Just one step and make it part of your daily life for 2 weeks. In my visualizations, I always saw myself in great shape and fit and healthy. The problem was I never worked out, yet I was hoping my future self would be someone who worked out consistently. At some point, you must realize you are holding yourself back through inaction. You can’t wait for your manifestation to come to you—you have to go after it! In coming to this realization, I took the first step and took a barre class at the gym I’ve been a member for 5 years but had never visited. Today, I find myself working out consistently and I am, without a doubt, in better shape post cancer and postpartum than I ever was!
- Gratitude. Above all, having a positive and grateful attitude can make a big difference in manifesting the life you desire. By focusing on what you are grateful for and staying optimistic about the future, you can attract more abundance and positivity into your life. Remember, the right mindset is key to manifesting your dreams into reality.
- Don’t Stop. Continue recalibrating and taking one step at a time. If you find yourself falling off the path, don’t beat yourself up. Just get back on track without a second thought. Give yourself grace.
When you embody your manifestation, you begin to live the life of your dreams from the inside out. You also begin to see opportunities that you didn’t see before. Living the life of your dreams is your birthright.
